Sorry for disappearing on everyone. I had the best of intentions, lots of things worked up in my mind and on paper (well, on screen) I was working on and then had several major things happen in my life all at once. One of them was tragic, one was a sad but welcomed relief, and one was simply a majorly dodged bullet.
First the tragic-I am currently jobless as the three-yes, three, work-from-home jobs I had are no longer there. Two of them I had to quit when I was spending more money on equipment, supplies, gas, and babysitting than I was making. One seems to have simply disappeared. “Ghosting” is the word the cool kids use nowadays. My supposed employer ghosted me-as in, disappeared, won’t return calls or messages…I have no clue what happened but based on what happened with the other two I’m counting myself lucky.
Then the sad but welcome relief-after a long, long battle with many illnesses my sweet father-in-law passed away. I loved this amazing man and am honored to have known him, and now be tasked with raising three of his grandchildren-all who take after him in their own unique ways. But the last few months life had gotten hard for him, and I saw him two weeks before he passed and I simply was shocked at the shell of this once-great giant of a man I’ve known for sixteen years now. That day my mind went back to the first time I saw him, and it was like he was two different people. So while my sadness lingers, my heart is rejoicing that he is no longer in pain or suffering, but instead reunited with his parents and is probably up in heaven composing his ongoing-opus while building the biggest model plane in heaven. RIP, my sweet Music Man.
Then there was the dodged bullet…it’s a long, complicated story-too long for me to go in here…but a man I had been seeing, a man I had gotten close enough to start making him a daily part of our lives, turned out to be someone I didn’t know. Someone with severe emotional and mental problems and the day after I kicked him out of our lives I simply kicked myself at not seeing the signs earlier. I’m still discovering things days later, things he lied about and things he hid from me. All I can say is I’m grateful it didn’t go further than it did. Auntie has been amazing, offering her support and reminding me she didn’t see through the mask he wore either until the very end. That final night we sat in her room going over things and realized that we had just dodged a very large bullet. And I’d like to say I’m heartbroken…but the man I thought I knew and loved was not the man he turned out to be. So instead of being heartbroken I am instead grateful and taking the entire incident as one giant lesson learned.
One thing I accepted years ago that with my own struggles with anxiety and depression, plus my children each having their own set of needs to be met…I cannot take on anyone else’s problems. It sounds callous, but it’s true. I have enough on my plate without having to worry about another grown adult. Someone close to me says this is almost a guarantee I will remain single the rest of my life and I am actually okay with that. While yes, someone to hang out with and share my life with would be nice, it’s not needed. And while I don’t mind being with other adults who can physically and emotionally care for themselves…I cannot be expected to care for someone who will not take the time to take care of themselves first. It’s one way I do the same for me-I take care of myself by accepting my limits and refusing to deal with others’ problems.
So yeah…it’s been rough. Today and the rest of the week I’m taking to reflect and rejuvenate and simply focus on day to day tasks like the never-ending pile of laundry I have, children that insist on eating dinner every. single. night (it would be nice if one night all three simply said “I’m not hungry, so don’t worry”…but I doubt it will ever happen…nice to dream though!). In the meantime I’m starting over again, facing each new day as it comes. Cause that’s what we do…after a long hard night/nights…we wake up and face each new day with a smile, knowing we are stronger, smarter, and most importantly…alive.